Biological Warfare
by onyx452
Summary: Silly Love Songs had an awesome Santana moment that led me to a similarly awesome Family Guy moment. "Damn it, Santana! We called no viral biological warfare!" Total crack-fic turned drabble-fic
1. Biological Warfare

So...here's a little cracky fic inspired by Silly Love Songs and Family Guy. Enjoy!

* * *

"Damn it, Santana! We called no viral biological warfare!"

"It's only mono; you'll live. Besides, this is me getting you back for chicken pox."

"WHAT? That was first grade!"

"I know; I've been waiting to get you back for _years_."

"Then what was the pharyngitis for?"

"The bronchitis."

"I thought the pharyngitis was for me making you bottom."

"No, I made you pull your muscle for that."

"But that was for the swirly."

"The _milk _was for the swirly."

"The broken arm?"

"I was having a bad day."

"I don't know what disturbs me more: the fact that I'm not surprised that they have a **standing agreement **on biological warfare or the fact that I'm not phased in the slightest," Rachel said blandly, chin resting in her hand as she watched with the rest of the Glee clubbers the two Cheerioes went back and forth.


	2. This

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee nor do I have anything to do with it (because if I did it wouldn't be nearly as annoying) and I don't own the Family Guy quotes/references you may see. Those belong to those lucky bastards who make far more money than I.

* * *

"Oh Finn broke up with me! I can never show my face properly at school again!" The other pair of divas raised their eyebrows at the unnecessarily dramatic body throw onto the bed.

"Yes, Rachel. Because _everything_ was going _wonderfully_ for you before this happened. Yes, _this_ is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you dress yourself. No, it's **THIS**. Do you hear yourself speak?" Mercedes said, rolling her eyes.

"I love to admit it babe, but when the girl is right, she's right." He shrugged, high-fiving Mercedes. Rachel just sat on her bed, staring at the glow in the dark stars doting her ceiling.

"I know. But I just had to have at least one properly over-dramatic moment because of our breakup. Because, honestly, I feel _so _much better now."

"Well, despite how cute that dopey look can be, my stepbrother is quite dull."

"He's sweet!"

"Rachel, giving you a blueberry slushy isn't sweet; it's stupid because he should know you don't like blueberry. _We_ know you don't like blueberry. Him giving you a slushy in a flavor he knows you like, _that's_ sweet." She paused. "For him."

She sat up, staring at her fellow divas. "Why is it that everyone knows exactly what makes me happy but no one ever does it?"

Kurt and Mercedes shared a look. "Because…that's for your significant other to do," he said carefully.

"Your hopefully smarter significant other. That and while I love ya gurl, there's no way in hell I'ma be up in a theatre listening to you go on and on about their performance." Rachel just flushed because she knew Mercedes was right.

* * *

So...I decided to continue. While looking at Family Guy quotes, some of them just jumped at me and my mind immediately went 'Oh they would be _perfect_ in that scene!' To that end, I will continue this but I will need help. Versed as I am in Family Guy, I'm not that much of a quote whore so you are all welcome to suggest various quotes, or even scenes if you like, for me to put the Glee cast into. I've got a few written up already and I'll do my best to update regularly on Fridays.


	3. Request: Dog

pretty little gekko, this is for you hence why it's early. I've decided that requests will be filled and posted asap while our regularly scheduled program will continue on Friday. So there will always be a post on Friday (crosses fingers) and anything else I can pump out in the mean time.

* * *

"You know, Rachel, there's no bitches allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Quinn and Santana can stay." The four girls shot incredulous looks to one another and even Rachel, standing behind the three former Cheerios, shook her head at the girl's stupidity.

"You know, Sarah, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch."

"Excuse me?" she replied, staring at the blonde in surprise.

"We can just go," Rachel said, knowing Santana was ready and willing to lay the replacement Head Cheerio out flat and Quinn had created a verbal smackdown that would destroy Sarah's confidence for the rest of her life in the time she'd first opened her mouth. "It's no big deal."

"No, no, no hang on, Rachel. You see Sarah, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Rachel to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age nineteen you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?"

She paused in her speech, placing her hands on Rachel's shoulders, pulling their bodies closer together. "Unlike Rachel here, who has refrained from acting like a whore, despite how much easier her life might have been. Cuz trust, I've seen this body," her hands trailed from the shoulders, caressing her sides, and stopping just at Rachel's butt, the brunette too shocked to really say anything, "and if she'd just let us dress her more often, she'd be turning heads left, right, and center. All without degrading herself like some people I know. And I'm positive she'll still be hot in a few years, if not more so. What does that say about you?"

Santana and Quinn shared a knowing smirk when Sarah turned and ran into the house crying. Rachel just stared at Brittany over her shoulder with her jaw hanging low.

"Wow, B. You left Berry speechless."

She giggled, closing Rachel's mouth with a finger and placing a kiss on her cheek before nuzzling her.

"No one's allowed to speak about Rachel like that except us, right?"

"That's right, B. No one but us," Quinn said, linked her elbow with Rachel's and tugging the girl inside.

* * *

How's that for breaking expectations? I mean come on, she's best friends with SANTANA. Some insults should stick.

By the way, I have yet to decide if these are all connected or not since it could go either or. This drabbles are mostly being inspired by an alternate universe plot bunny I'm writing where the whole premise is 'your head, esplode' so some characters might interact OOC. But this is a parody regardless so random things will occur with little to no warning.


	4. Absentmindedness

"I hate when he makes us guess. It makes me feel stupid."

"It can't be worse than that time you locked yourself inside your car and left your keys in the door," Quinn said. The club almost turned as one to the three Cheerios, incredulous looks on their faces.

"Please tell me you're kidding," Tina said to the silence. "Brittany cannot be that stu-I mean absentminded," she quickly amended at Santana's glare, just behind Brittany's shoulder. Dating Artie she may be but Brittany's always been Santana's girl and despite the recent hiccups, the girl would still defend her blonde to the death.

"Nope. She had locked the doors with herself inside and the keys in the door." Many of them let out snorts, doing their best to keep from laughing outright.

"I was there for like five hours before S came and saved me." She turned and wrapped the girl in a hug, cuddling against her side. The sheer adorableness factor knocked most of the would be laughter into amusement at Santana's resigned, but gentle smile.

"It was more like fifteen minutes but that's why Q and I have extra keys and her OnStar number," Santana added with a shrug. Puck just shook his head in disbelief.

"Wow, Brit, just wow. Although, I seem to remember Finn doing something similar…" he slyly said, sending the boy in question a smirk.

"Damn it, Rachel! You told him about that?" Finn shouted, doing his best not to blush too hard.

"Of course I did. It was hilarious," she replied with a shrug, unrepentant.

"Ooh, I have got to hear this," Kurt said, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "What happened?"

"He left his keys inside his car with me and then thought the door to his house was locked. He just forgot to push down the button right above the handle," said Rachel, unable to hide her own smile once the snickers they had been holding in erupted into full laughter, teasing and jeers flowing and ribbing the rapidly reddening boy.


	5. Childish

"Come on, Brittany, you're just being childish now." The girl froze and slowly stood up. Santana snickered from across the room, sitting back with a pleased expression.

"What's that look for?" Tina asked.

"There are very few things that can make Brittany mad. Calling her a child is one of them. And to imagine, I didn't have to do a _thing _this time!"

"If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and take this from a pervert." She immediately turned away from him and to Santana, who accepted her with open arms and a gleeful smirk in Artie's direction. Tina and Puck shared an awed look.

"What? The girl knows where the good stuff's always at." Despite the height difference, Brittany tucked herself into Santana, nose under her chin as they cuddled.

"San always takes care of me and never calls me childish."

"Brittany, wanting to go jump in a ball pit _is_ childish," Artie pointed out.

"Dude, what are you talking about? Jumping in a ball pit sounds like a great idea!" said Mike, fist-bumping with Sam and Puck who were agreeing with him wholeheartedly.

"Are there any around here that we could go to?" Sam asked excitedly. "We should go this weekend."

"I'm pretty sure there's one the next town over. My sister used to take me there a lot," said Quinn, idly tapping her finger against her chin. "I think they have an adult section, or rather, a side that's big enough for us to play in."

"Sweet! Mr. Shue, can we be excused to go pl-"

"Bond with one another in the exultations of togetherness! You _are_ always saying how we need to get along more and I think this will be a lovely experience for us all! It will bring us together as a proper team that will whip Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals!" Rachel cut in with a bright smile. The group looked at her in confusion and slowly it dawned upon them that Will was more likely to let them leave early if he thought they were going to do something constructive.

Of course, their definition of constructive was far more…violent than his.

As usual, his face blanked once Rachel hit a tangent, trusting one of her teammates to stop her before it went on too long. But this time, they were silent, waiting for him to crack.

"Alright, alright!" he shouted after a few minutes of nonstop friendship speech. Rachel immediately closed her mouth, trying her best not to smirk. "You've convinced me of the benefits, Rachel. You guys can go ahead. But I want to see progress come next week!" he added to their retreating backs.

For once, the whole team was happy with one another, many of them heaping praise onto the diminutive diva for getting them out early.

"You're alright, Berry," Santana said, bumping their shoulders together. "Granted, I still can't stand you, but you're alright."

"I'll take that as a compliment then. But I knew he'd cave if one of you didn't stop me."

"You've been hanging around the Cheerios too much. That was downright wicked," Sam said.

"Oh no. I've always been this way; I just see no reason to turn my less savoury traits on my team. Besides, as co-captain, it is my responsibility to ensure our victory. And to peg all of you continuously in the pit," she added with a mischievous smile.

"Oh you're on, Short Stack," Puck said, the sentiment shared with his football bros.

Mercedes resolutely faced forward so as not to let her smile be seen. After all, it wasn't her fault the boys didn't know the girl loved baseball.

Will turned to the only member of New Directions left, who was pouting in his chair.

"I still say it's childish…"


	6. Idiot

"Do you hear that all-encompassing sound of voices elevated in a crescendo?"

"What?"

"It appears to be someone exercising their ability to move between registers."

"What are you trying to say?"

"It sounds as if various females are trying to harmonize their voices together."

"Is there a fight going on?"

"What? No. Are you even listening to me?"

"Someone's iced into a dumpster?"

"It's late spring, that's not feasible."

"A dog?"

"There are two girls fucking in the closet down the hall."

"What? Sweet!"

Rachel sighed irritably, rubbing the bridge of her nose as the boy ran off.

"Don't know how many times I have to tell you, Berry. He's an idiot."

"And again I have to wonder what on _earth_ I saw in him. I _need_ mental stimulation."

The girl chuckled lowly, playfully bumping their shoulders together. "Then you're barking up the wrong tree, Berry. Laters." She turned and walked away, unable to see as Rachel's eyes followed.

"Mental stimulation indeed..."

* * *

Yes yes. I know I'm late and I'm horrible. Shite happens. And I'm running out of ideas. There's only so many ways I can adapt Family Guy to this before it just becomes silly. So request, point me to prompts. Whatever. Plz?


	7. Vegan

"Kurt? Are you alright?" The boy jerks his gaze from Karofsky's retreating back to Rachel, his expression still stuck on shocked horror. Unsurprisingly, no one notices as they tend to ignore the school's lowest of the low.

"What? No. I mean yes! Yes, everything's fine, Rachel. How are you?" he replies, trying his best to regain some equilibrium, hoping with everything that she just takes his word for it and lets it go. He even gives his scarf an elegant throw over one shoulder, carefully hiding the slightly tremors he can still feel in his shoulders. "What have I told you about argyle? It isn't a good look for you dear, not with those legs at least."

But fate has been conspiring against him all day, why should right now, when he _really_ needs the break, be any different? He blames her innate perceptiveness in the end when her narrowing eyes glance from him to Karofsky and back, dawning comprehension making that rock in his stomach sink just a little bit more.

"Kurt. Please do not lie to me. Not about this, of all things. We have both been the targets of attacks like these for far longer than we would deign to think about. But this is different. It reeks horrendously of personal. And believe me when I say I _know_ what personal looks like." Over her shoulder, he can see Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, freshly showered from morning practice and still chatting like friends, or at least until Santana remembers that Brittany is still with Artie and she and Quinn are at each other's throats again. He looks back at her and only sees steely determination; the same kind that has never failed to light a fire under everyone's asses is Glee, despite their personal opinions of their captain.

It soon became obvious in his silence that he is beginning to break down but respectfully she does not grin in satisfaction, much as he knows she wants to. "How do you deal with it?" he whispers as pulls his books and bag tighter to himself, shoulders drooping, wishing he had a better shield to defend himself with.

She uncharacteristically shrugs. "Quinn may be a lot of things but after so many years of the same crap every time, she has stopped legitimately terrifying to me. In her own backwards, convoluted way, I think she is truly protecting me. No one else dares one-up her in anything so whatever they throw at me is paltry in comparison to the torture she routinely heaps upon me. Slushies, while terribly annoying and tedious, are insignificant when one judges them against the other punishments she could do to me. We both know she has the power to really mess with everyone." She pauses, considering. "It also helps that she threatens violence more times than not but she still has never gone through with it and even stops Santana when she tries. A great many injustices have been done to me in the past, but none of them have ever hit me."

At the words, Kurt unconsciously flinches, eyes darting around as the flight-or-fight response kicks in. Rachel, of course watching him very carefully, notices instantly and her eyes harden. "What. Did. He. Do?"

"Why do you even care?" he shouts, defensive. Rachel just looks at him calmly.

"Because, if nothing else, you are on my team and despite efforts to the contrary, I am your captain. We both know Finn is absolutely useless in keeping the football team in some kind of control so I have thoroughly given up on that front. You do not have to do everything alone, Kurt. Let me be here for you. And if you do not wish it to be me, then _someone._ Please." The silence stretches on, everyone jostling past the pair. The warning bell rings and the halls begin to clear but neither makes a move to leave, still caught in their face-off.

Kurt is used to fighting Rachel, mostly for solos and who is the bigger diva. And while he would never admit it, least of all to her at any rate, he knows she _is_ better. And she knows it too. But out of respect she lets him continue fighting anyway, pushing him to be better every time. While they both know she could wipe the floor with him vocally, she, in the spirit of camaraderie and competition, allows him the opportunity to beat her at her own game, trusting that she would never **let** him win. That he would have to **earn** it. He falls back on that trust and respect now.

"He's threatened to hurt me, bad, if I say anything to anyone," he finally whispers, valiantly keeping the tears in his voice and not his face. Rachel shakes her head at him for his lackluster performance but doesn't comment, pulling him into the girls' restroom, and barking at the lingering pair inside to leave. Their mouths open to giving a scathing retort but Rachel is in rare form this day.

"Get out before I tell Santana you called Brittany an ignoramus last week." They could not leave fast enough and she locks the door behind them with familiar flourish. Turning back to the surprised Kurt, she smiles a little. "What? Just because I refuse to degrade myself by resorting to intimidation to get my way in Glee does not mean I cannot when the situation calls for it. So, what did you see him do?"

"He…um…he. He kissed me." Rachel blinks, once, face unchanging and he is only comforted by her lack of response. Out of anyone and everyone, he knows she is the most understanding person for this.

"Well that makes perfect, if too elaborate than I would have given David for, sense then. He torments you to prove he is not gay himself and to also somehow try to beat the gay out of you, a metaphor for himself." He cannot help the smile that breaks out.

"You and your metaphors."

"Hey! They are extremely important learning tools! Most people learn better when given an alternative interpretation to wrap their minds around. Fix your face and your hair is starting to look rather distressed too."

The diversion works perfectly and he scrambles to fix himself back to perfection. While he is working on nothing since he actually looks quite suitable for class, Rachel pulls out her phone, quickly typing out her message, and hiding it before Kurt can see. When he deems himself ready, nearly fifteen minutes later, she escorts him to class, pausing just outside the door.

"Watch how a professional uses charm to get what she wants," she says with a smirk, schooling her face into her trademark smile, directing it winningly at the teacher as they enter.

"I am so very sorry Kurt is so late, Mr. Barnes, but we have been the unfortunate recipients of a slushy shower and only just finished preparing ourselves properly for class. I promise to be faster next time." Kurt nods along when she elbows him subtly.

"And I refuse to come to class looking anything other than stunning."

"As I am well aware, Mr. Hummel, take your seat. And there is no problem, Miss Berry. Here's a pass to Mrs. Stevens so you can be excused for your tardiness."

"Thank you so much very much, Mr. Barnes." She spots Santana and Mercedes, sending them a wink and a rising an eyebrow as if to say, 'See?' at Kurt when Barnes turns away. They each roll their eyes but refrain from commenting, knowing a cover up when they see one. Kurt mouths, 'Diva' and she shrugs, a helpless look on her face that went back to the smile once the teacher was paying attention again.

"Here you are. Hope it helps."

"I am most certain it will. Thanks again, Mr. Barnes, and sorry for interrupting your class." He waves her off, already getting back into his lesson. Kurt shakes his head ruefully, impressed despite himself. Barnes was arguably the one teacher who did not give a damn why you were late if you did not have a pass. The fact that Rachel had the man wrapped around her little finger said a lot about her persuasion skills.

"What was that about?" Mercedes asks the moment she can. "Why were you late and why were you with Rachel of all people?" Kurt shakes his head again and actually tries to pay attention, purposely avoiding eye contact. Some bitterness and lingering resentment forms unwillingly.

Why did Rachel, who mostly does not care about things outside of herself, Finn, and Glee, notice his terror and his 'best straight friend for fucking ever' Mercedes did not?

She shares a glance with the other girl but she are as confused as Mercedes is.

* * *

"Ladies. We have a problem."

"Besides the fact that we're all wasting our one free period for this?"

"I swear it wasn't me. It was my cat." So disenchanted to Brittany's random outbursts, none of the assembled females so much as blink or roll their eyes.

"Don't worry, Brittany, we are not here to talk about that. We are here to talk about Karofsky and his excessive bullying of Kurt."

"But doesn't he always bully Kurt?" Tina says. "And everyone and anyone who so happens to be nearby?"

"Of course. But he is making it personal by specifically targeting Kurt. Mercedes! What would it take for me to make you spill a secret you **really** did not want to tell me?"

The girl scoffs, rolling her eyes. "Like I'd tell you a damn thing. Even under duress. It's like, against gossip code or something."

"Is there a point to this, RuPaul?"

"If you would kindly wait, I am getting to that. I have never witnessed Kurt break under any means and tell anyone a damn thing he never wanted to. Especially when he _really _did not want to tell. And I made him break before first period within ten minutes of moderate pushing. Him! One half of the Queens of Gossip! This is not _just_ bullying; Kurt is becoming truly terrified, not just for his hair or his clothes either."

"So what do you want us to do about it?" Quinn asks, crossing her arms. "I don't know if you realize it but part of the football teams' power comes from the fact that it's always a lot of them and they're all physically intimidating. The Cheerios keep them in line because we're dating them, nothing more."

The smile that Rachel gave should have tipped them off but only Tina, having known her the longest, could tell something bad was about to happen. But it had been years since she had seen her old friend in such a way that she saw no reason to warn them.

"When I ask, I just need you to detain Karofsky in one place long enough for me to get there, preferably without Azimio present. I will take care of the rest. Use your boyfriends if you have to."

Santana rolls her eyes. "And what do you expect to do, Tranny? Because unlike most guys, I don't think Karofsky has a problem hitting girls."

Rachel just continues smiling secretly. "Just do as I say and you will find out soon enough. I want him either sometime around lunch or after school, whenever there's a lesser chance of a crowd forming. Thanks guys!" she adds as she skips out the room, short skirt wavering just on that line of her rear, scant centimeters from flashing everyone.

They watch her go in silence. "Did we just agree to assisting in yet another Rachel Berry plot?"

The girl in question leans her head back inside the room as if she heard them. "Oh, that reminds me, Kurt is not to be left alone for the rest of the day. Someone needs to stay with him at all times. To every class, from every class, in class, and at his locker. Toddles!"

Quinn lets out a tired, but resigned, sigh. "Considering what it's for this time, I say we just do it and be done with it. If she wants to get herself killed, that's her prerogative. Besides, we're just keeping an eye on Karofsky, it's not like she asked us to get involved." With Quinn's agreement, everyone else falls in line with varying degrees of dissent.

* * *

"You sent the text?"

"Yep. She's on her way."

"Where's Azimio?"

"She apparently talked Beiste into giving him a lecture over his grades. He'll be in there for a while."

"Nice."

"This is absolutely ridiculous."

"Of course it is. It's Berry."

"But at least we'll get some laughs from it."

"Touché."

Mercedes is next to Kurt as he gathers his things from his locker, covertly keeping an eye out. As planned, the boyfriends of the Glee girls, or rather the boys from the Glee club, arrange themselves up and down the halls, each relaying Karofsky's position until he is almost upon Kurt. After that, they consider their roles fulfilled and stay by to watch.

As they all expect, Karofsky bumps shoulders with Kurt, sending the much more fragile teen stumbling into his locker.

"Watch where you're going, fag," he sneers, ignoring Mercedes' presence. Which in hindsight was probably a bad idea.

"The hell is up with you, Dave? You ran inta him!" she sasses, neck rolling as she shoves him away. Or attempts to at any rate. Karofsky is still one of the bigger boys on the team so she manages to make him take a step back, more out of surprise than her little strength.

"Fags of a feather still stick together I see."

"Karofsky! What is your problem?" The voice, innately loud by nature, is extraordinarily so now, carrying down the hall with little effort. Those still lingering around, remnants of people going to after school programs, part like they normally did for the Cheerios, none eager to get in a determined Rachel Berry's path, and scatter, leaving only the Glee club to observe. It did not hurt that she had also changed clothes between the end of sixth period and now.

Rather than the argyle sweater and sinfully short skirt she had been wearing earlier, she wears jeans that frame her legs while still remaining loose and a black long-sleeved shirt that automatically draws gazes to her not inconsiderable chest with the big white one on the front and a single white stripe going across from her right shoulder to her left hip. No one can deny later that the girl did not look amazing, especially with that pissed off look and power stride as she approaches.

"What the hell do you want, freak? It's a little late for slushies but I'm sure I can make an exception for you," he said as she stomps closer, going almost directly in his face. Which is impressive when considering their respective height. With little effort on her part, she steps between him, Kurt, and Mercedes, angry glare still upon her face, and succeeds in pushing him away.

"David. Normally I do not care to involve myself in your childish antics if they do not directly involve me but what you are doing to Kurt is wrong. Bullying is one thing; childish? Yes. Immature? Naturally. Morally reprehensible? Of course. But it is tolerable in the long run. Hell, somehow I still get along with Quinn and she has been targeting me since she realized that she likes power and minions to command. No offense," she adds, spotting the blonde around the red letterman.

"None taken. Continue."

"But this? This is not physical abuse, which one can recover from with time and effort. This is emotional abuse of the worst degree, David. This is nothing more than a hate crime because Kurt is gay and you cannot handle it. And _that_ I will **not** tolerate, especially on one of my teammates. So either you lay off of my friend, or I kick your ass. Simple as that."

Karofsky looks just as astonished as everyone else, staring at the five foot slip of a female. But whether that was for her threat or because Rachel 'Gold Star' Berry had cursed was up in the air. And then he laughs, a full on gut busting belly laugh that has him slapping his knees, nearly bent over double.

"Oh! You can't be serious!" he cries, wiping tears from his eyes as he straights up. "Oh this is great. Whatcha gonna to do me, Mighty Mouse? Sing?" He chuckles at his own lame joke.

But Rachel is not smiling. Or laughing. Or looking anything besides furious.

"I knew you were too scared to pick on someone who could do some _actual_ damage to you, much like other bullies. No wonder you pick on Kurt. Got some **repressed** issues there, David?" The words are carefully chosen, crafted, and executed along with the perfectly timed smirk for maximum effectiveness. The rest of Glee watches their captain (no one is silly enough to think otherwise, Finn does nothing more than look and sound good next to Rachel) as she purposefully winds the trigger-temper football player up, lighting the match that would ignite the boy into doing something stupid.

"Is she outta her mind? We gotta stop her!" Finn says, and does nothing else. Like everyone, he is frozen in place, more content to watch the coming confrontation than participate.

"Nah. Rachel's got this in the bag. Don't you know? She's _vegan_."

Like Rachel, Karofsky is no longer laughing. "You don't know anything!" he shouts, face turning red. She chances a look at Kurt, her eyes telling him to keep watching.

She directs her attention back to the bigger danger and raises an eyebrow, a move they all recognize as Quinn's signature and even she can say that the look is rather well done, disdain combined with a hint of exasperation as if he is wasting her time for being stupid.

"Oh you would not _believe_ what I actually do know about you, David. And the things you like to _blackmail_ people with." Her voice has just the right amount of suggestion that he finally snaps and tries to hit her. The boys of Glee finally break out of their surprise induced coma seconds too late as Karofsky's fist is already flying. Rachel only smirks.

Her eyes immediately begin to glow a fiery white, a mysterious wind whipping her hair back and forth. An invisible barrier stops Karofsky's fist inches from her face and she lifts her hand that is also glowing from the palm. He rises in the air, completely helpless, arms dangling uselessly.

"What. What's going on?" he chokes out. "What are you doing to me?"

His fear filled eyes does nothing to sway her. "Your education, David. Let's hope you learn this time." With a dismissive flick of her fingers and the boy is halfway down the hall, shouting in pain at having collided with a few lockers on his way.

"Dude. Is Rachel really doing this?" Mike asks as the girl stalks down the hall after him, shaking out her shoulders. Karofsky lumbers to his feet, slightly dazed from his collision with the lockers, when Rachel sets upon him again.

Tina and Brittany only smile. "Rachel spent most of her childhood in the Vegan Academy. She likes to downplay it, but she's totally psychic, like completely legit, read your mind psychic." Almost as one, they all blush various shades of red and pointedly refuse to look anyone else in the eye.

"That's…highly disconcerting."

"We speak of this to _no one_. We've all obviously thought naughty thoughts about her before."

"Speak for yourself. I've been imaging ways to kill her. Or put that mouth to better use."

"That's just great."

"Mailman! Mailman! Mailman!"

"It's her fault for always wearing those damn skirts!"

"B, you knew that she was all super psychic vegan?"

"Of course. She likes to practice by the lake where all the ducks are. I found her a few times and she asked me not to tell."

"Wait. How exactly does being vegan equate to psychic powers?"

"And an upgrade to badassery? Cuz damn son…" Pucks says, watching as Rachel begins using Karofsky as a human bouncy ball, his screams and grunts of impact echoing dully down to them. They can just barely make out what sounds a lecture, each hit constituting another word. They wince, knowing how highly verbose Rachel is when she feels like saying a lot that usually equates to nothing.

"I think she said something about curds and whey and the percentage of the brain used at any given time. I don't really remember." Karofsky suddenly lands at their feet, almost surrounded by Glee club members. Rachel approaches, encased in a floating white orb that softly pulses, her eyes still flaming white. His body rises from the ground and he is held eye level with her.

"What have we learned, David?"

"That just because I'm in the closet doesn't mean I get to pick on Kurt because I'm jealous."

"And?"

"I'm sorry, Kurt, and promise not to do it again." Kurt only nods, his mind almost totally blown away.

"Sure, Karofsky. Just…stay away for a little while, okay?"

"David being gay does not leave this group, am I understood? Because if it does, I _will_ find out and the results will **not** be pretty." Rachel makes eye contact with everyone, daring someone to defy her this one time. But no one bothers, knowing they would much rather not have such a thorough beating. She turns back to Karofsky, silent for a long moment. They all await the continuation of the smack down as nothing is said for a moment. However she lowers herself to the ground and him as well, the fire leaving her eyes and hands, her hair falling slowly. "You, David, have disappointed me today. Remove yourself from my sight before I give in to the urge to _actually_ hurt you."

"Yes, Rachel." He scrambles to his feet and leaves, not looking at anyone. Rachel releases a heavy sigh, crossing one arm over her stomach, the other resting on it while she holds the bridge of her nose, clenching her eyes shut. They all look at her, speechless.

"For the record, yes, I am capable of doing that at any time and any where and no, there is nothing actually stopping me from using my powers whenever I wish besides my own morals. I never used my abilities against any of you because I abhor violence with every fiber of my being but Karofsky was not going to stop unless someone made him. And knowing you all like I do and trust me, I **do** know you, I knew no one was going to step in before it was too late.

"I am not the only vegan with powers like that but I did not graduate top of my class for nothing. No, I will not use my powers for you. Yes, I can read your minds but generally try not to since it is a complete invasion of privacy, but I cannot help it sometimes, specifically when you think strongly or loudly. Like how right now one of the girls is thinking how hot I am and no Noah, I will not have a threesome with you and Santana. I am and always will be monogamous. And I really do not share well with others.

"I allowed the slushies and bullying because it was better they picked on me, some who _could_ fight back if pushed than them picking on someone like Jacob, who might one day snap and go on a killing spree, and that is far more likely than you think. Yes, I can physically alter my own strength and other things but it is redundant since I am already far superior than most of you like to believe. No, my singing ability has nothing to do with my psychic powers and is still completely and utterly the effort of natural talent nurtured properly. Any questions?"

"So there's an actual point to your veganism?"

"Yes. For the most part, Vegans as a whole are invincible except to one another and to the Vegan Police, those who enforce the Vegan law which boils down to, 'No Vegan diet, No Vegan powers!' more or less. My dad is a sergeant when he has some free time. We are allowed two slip ups and after the third, our powers are taken."

"Why aren't there more Vegans? I mean, if you guys are as invincible as you say…"

"Because most cannot stick to the diet. I have been doing it since childhood so it is really no problem for me. Regardless, most Vegans also stick to more liberal locales, like Canada. America is actually quite behind of the times in terms of spatial control and the like. One of my classmates is in Canada right now with this band. I need to give him a call too…"

"What would happen if you used your powers in front of a cop?"

"They would probably be freaked out for a moment then ask for my Vegan license. There is a registry of Vegans with Powers that the Academy lets the police access from time to time. I also have _carte blanche_ on using my powers nevertheless so it would not truly matter one way or another."

"So technically speaking, you could attack one of us and not get in trouble for it?"

"Basically. The top ten percent of the graduating class gets various levels of _carte blanche _to use at their own discretion. As I said previously, I graduated top of my class. That's what the one on my chest is for. No other graduate Vegans are allowed to wear this number unless they themselves are top graduates. I, due to my ranking, have full _carte blanche_ is just about anything and everything. Only the Dean of the school has any real power over me at this point."

"I always told you Rachel was badass, S. You owe me twenty bucks and a dinner at the Italian place I like so much," says Brittany smugly to a pouting Santana.

"Damn it, Berry! I had two more weeks to go before that bet was over!" she shouts but there is no real bite to it.

She smiles, shrugging her shoulder, finally looking at them all. Their faces are in various states of acceptance or awe, or lust in a few cases. She ignores those.

"Sorry Santana. But speaking of, are you alright, Kurt?" The boy is leaning against his locker, staring at the spot Karofsky had been thrown to. "Kurt?"

He smiles at her then, a wide, bright, true smile. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me, no offense Mercedes, and that's including when you introduced me to your dads." He steps forward and envelopes her in a hug, which she returns just as tightly. "And for the record, much better attire. Wear stuff like this more often."

She rolls her eyes but smiles nevertheless. "I told you, you are my team, and I am your captain, for better or for worse. Besides, if he made you leave schools, I would only have Mercedes to diva-off with and as much as I love your voice and as talented as you are, Mercedes, Kurt does have a better range capability to compete with." The teen waves her hand dismissively, understanding the compliment hidden in the slight insult.

"No probs, gurl. You defended my man. I ain't got nuthin' but love for ya. And as an added bonus, I don't think Karofsky's gonna be up for slushies anytime soon."

"That was not my intention but if that is indeed an effect of today, all the better."

"So why didn't you defend me last year when everyone found out about my pregnancy?"

Rachel turns her gaze on Quinn, lifting an eyebrow again. "Are you telling me that you would have accepted my help last year? That you would have allowed me to defend you the best way I know how? Besides, up until that point, you had had Finn. As your boyfriend, it was _his_ responsibility to protect you so, not mine. And you all did not accept me as captain until later anyway. I felt no reason to defend those who were not important to me."

"So you woulda done that to the boys if we'd been your friends like that?" Puck asks.

"Of course. I defend what I consider mine viciously and now Glee Club is effectively mine. You are _my_ team, _my _associates, _my_ family, and I am _your_ captain. They mess with you, they mess with me. It just so happens that Kurt was the first to truly require my assistance. Had any of your needed help, and were willing to let me, I would have done the same. No question. Now, if you will all excuse me, Finn. Can you take me home?"

"Of course, Rach." The group watches the pair as they leave, glancing at one another.

"Is it just me or…"

"It's not just you."

"Are you mad?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Remind me not to piss her off in the future."

"I think we have to worry about _other_ people pissing her off."

"Why do I feel as if the world just got turned upside down?"

"The world's upside down?"

"No, Brittany. But yes. Rachel Berry is totally a badass."

"Told ya my babe was hot."

"She's not yours."

"I can't even lie. That was sexy."

"I'm not gonna lie. I wanna hit it." They turn to the speaker, jaws dropping in shock. "What? I don't deny myself certain pleasures and I want that one."

"This is officially the craziest day of my life."

"Preach."

* * *

So...yea. Totally don't own _Scott Pilgrim vs the World_ references by the way. This idea was actually spawned from a comic where Sunshine was Scott and Rachel was Todd, the 3rd evil ex. And then Jesse hits her with an egg, summoning the Vegan police. This was meant to be a one-shot of its own but I decided to put it up here instead since so many of you have the story on alert. But this is probably the only one that's gonna be this long so don't get used to it. This'll be the last one till sometime in May since I'm hitting my week of finals and then taking a vacation for the first time in 4 years.


	8. Nose

"Rachel. Can I talk to you? Privately?" she added, casting her gaze upon the hallway. The brunette looked confused but nodded, closing her locker.

"Of course. We can talk at your car, if you want."

"That's fine. C'mon." Then in a move that shocked them both, she voluntarily grabbed the diminutive diva's hand and tugged her forcefully through the crowd. Seeing that highly pissed off look on the former Cheerios face, they immediately moved out of her way. Rachel, to her credit, starting moving on her own power so as to not get her arm wrenched from its socket and closed the gap between the two.

"So…what did you want to speak to me about?" she asked as they came to a stop.

"Ima be real wit you. For once. Repeat this and I _will_ cut you. Got me?" At Rachel's nod and suspicious step back that she ignored, she continued. "Honestly? You're fine. And I don't mean health-wise. I mean you're _foine_. As in were there not preexisting circumstances, I'd totes do you, follow? So let your damn nose heal properly, you look better with it."

Rachel could only blink, completely speechless. Santana could only smirk, completely satisfied.

"Santana. What are you doing to Berry?" The taller brunette scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"I try to be nice for once and what do I get…" she muttered. "Not a damn thing, Q. Just tellin' baby Berry she's perfectly fine physically just the way she is," she said in a normal tone. Quinn raised her eyebrow, looking between the two.

"Well she is right. Don't listen to that idiot doctor, Berry." Rachel forcefully shook her head, rubbing her eyes.

"This cannot be happening. The two of you, of all people, are _not_ telling _me_ I'm attractive. This is a joke, isn't it?"

They both grinned. "Berry, you probably haven't noticed, always being in the front, but most of us are totally checking you out during practice."

"And we definitely like what we see. Complain a lot about those sweaters? Absolutely. But mostly cuz they're totes hidin' that hot ass body. You got it, flaunt the hell outta it."

"Okay, I'm most assuredly dreaming. Well, this has to be a dream."

"So are you telling us you dream about us?" Quinn asked, smiling slightly.

"Not that we blame you but still." Tan though she was, it wasn't enough to hide Rachel's furious blush.

"That's not the point! Why are you doing this? Is it for some prank or joke?"

Quinn frowned, stepping forward to grasp Rachel's hands in her own. "Rachel. No. We're not joking and this isn't for a prank later on. We're telling you the truth. Every word. You're beautiful, just the way you are. And yes, that's coming from me and Santana."

"…I think I need a drink…" Santana snorted but shook her head in amusement.

"Yea no. You're a lightweight anyway. And drinkin's not gonna help, trust. You're fine, Berry. Ridonkulously short, absolutely overbearing, and way too loud for our own good, but you're fine. And, provin' it? Between your diet, your exercise, and your metabolism, you ain't gotta worry bout your weight. Stop frettin' over somethin' as tiny as your nose and be thankful, we'll always remember you by it."

That finally got a laugh and the two former Cheerios relaxed. "BT dubs? You're so explaining the dreams you have about us. I'm sure you're a sexy librarian under all that argyle..."

"Santana, behave," she said, seeing the flush start to spread down Rachel's neck and disappearing into her shirt. "You're coming with me, Rachel. I wanna show you a video to one of my favourite songs. You might find it...illuminating. It's called Unpretty…"

* * *

I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. Between Born This Way and having I Feel Pretty/Unpretty on semi-constant repeat since I got it, the idea just hit me so I'm getting it out there. And for the record, Lucy is probably not gonna make her way into my stories. If Glee doesn't pay attention to their own continuity, why the hell should I?


	9. Brittany

"No…but Brittany?"

"Liz Schneider was our fourth, but she got Rubella."

"Her parents are hippies who don't believe in vaccinations."

"Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice," Artie finished, shrugging.

"Hold up. Unlike the rest of you, I _did_ watch Smarty Pants last night and I know for a _fact_ those asses were getting kicked until B stepped in with her knowledge of cat diseases. Don't you dare insinuate she's not intelligent enough to be on the Brainiacs."

Heads turned at the surprise interruption, focusing as one on an unrepentant Santana, who was busy glaring at their teacher.

"Santana, no one was-"

"Um do you hear yourself speak, Schuester? Were you not just expressing disbelief that Brittany is smart enough to be on the team? Just because she's not _classically_ intelligent doesn't mean she's not _intelligent_."

Looking at Santana as they were, everyone missed the tearful but still very bright smile on Brittany's face that she directed towards her best friend.

"And Abrams? For the record, **this** is why I don't like you. The main reason I disapproved of your relationship with **my** B? Because you don't deserve her. You don't defend her from crap like this. She shouldn't be your _last_ resort because she's the _only_ resort." Throughout her speech, she'd gotten up from her seat, prowling forward until she was nearly nose-to-nose with the boy.

"You don't deserve her either!" he retorted and Santana rolled her eyes.

"And I'm well aware of that. But at least I don't insult or demean her by inferring she's less than I think her to be. I may be a bitch but at least I own up to it. What's your excuse, cripple? 'Oh woe is me, I can't use my legs!' Big deal. My grandfather can twitch his right index finger on a good day and he still believes life is sunshine and rainbows. Just because you're a cripple doesn't give you a pass to be a douche. C'mon B, I'll treat you to your favorite ice cream for winning last night."

Predictably, she released the handles on Artie's chair and linked pinkies with Santana, neither looking back although they could hear Brittany's happy chatter and the hint of an adoring smile on Santana's face before they left the room.

* * *

Santana, to me, seems like the kind of person who'd have your back, no matter what. Barring any circumstances where she feels you're not worth it. Considering the slight spoilers of a moment between our favorite ladies, it's obvious the two have a deep connection, beyond what we've seen so far. Even confused as she is, Brittany still goes to Santana, without fail. And I was also very annoyed that Will's character went there in Night of Neglect. Yes, we're all aware Brittany isn't the brightest tool in the shed, that's no reason, as an EDUCATOR, to point out that she's more or less stupid. This, I believe, would have been an awesome scene, and a very telling one that no matter what, Santana's got her girl's back.


End file.
